By reading this very first sentence of this post, you basically admit that you’re in a big trouble. You’re probably hurting a lot, and you’d do anything to stop or maybe even reduce the pain for just a little bit.
First off, let me tell you that I’m writing this article from a posture of a “healed” woman. I want to assure you that even if I don’t exactly know your situation, I might understand the intensity of the feelings you’re experiencing right now.
I have already felt the intensity of a heartbreak and I know what it can do to you in case you’re not ready. Unfortunately – we’re never ready. Yet, I’m right here, smiling. That means I’ve gotten out of that mess, and I’m going to try to help you do the same.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a famous psychiatrist, and author, suggests that the grief a person feels after a heartbreak is made up of more processes:
When caught in a disturbing situation such as a terrible breakup, the first impulse of a human being is to deny everything that’s happening.
You will get thoughts such as “he/she will turn back” or “I’m sure this is not the end”. Ignoring the truth is less painful than accepting it, but that’s never a proper solution.
Once the denial stage is over, people become angry. They often feel hurt by the circumstances or by the other person, and they start having thoughts like “I hate him/her” or “I wish he/she never finds anyone else”. This anger is absolutely normal.
The bargaining process is extremely confusing. After your feelings of anger are gone, you start to wonder whether something is still possible between you two.
The word “maybe” pops into your head every day, and you keep going like that until you are reassured that everything is over.
The moment you see that the bargaining process is done and you haven’t obtained what you wished for, you start to become anxious and depressed.
Negativity fills your life, and you believe that you’ll never find love again. No one around you makes you happy anymore, except that special person who does no longer want you nearby his/her side.
Now here’s the stage everyone expects – consciously or subconsciously. Acceptance is the stage that sets you free from the pain.
When you finally understand that what was, was and what is, life will no longer be a pain. Waking up every day with feelings of sorrow and pain will soon become history, and you’ll be able to finally move on.
It is important for you to be aware of the stages because only then you can perceive them objectively. And when you’re suffering from heartbreak, objective thoughts are very limited resources that carry a lot of weight.
When I was going through my first heartbreak, I used to perceive my conscious and objective thoughts as the only thing that can save me.
Unfortunately, back then, I didn’t know how to deal with my breakup. I learned it the hard way, and I’m committed to doing something about it now. This post is all about helping you get better.
Here are some straightforward tips that I would like to share with you. I am very confident that by the end of this article, you will feel better and you’ll have new hope for the future. Let’s begin:
1. Accept All the Feelings that Flow Through You
At first, it’s all about acceptance. When you encounter heartbreak, your emotions go wild and you can no longer stop them. In other words, you become emotionally unstable. That’s okay. Really. It is.
You have invested a lot of feelings into your relationship with your significant one and now it’s all gone. Now is the time to experience other types of feelings, feelings which are not necessarily bad yet most people perceive it that way.
You might feel disappointment, anger, frustration, sorrow, lack of hope, and so on. If you try to block or ignore these feelings, they’ll keep coming back until you accept them. Keep in mind that they’re emotions.
Not negative emotions, just emotions. If you can keep it that way, you’ll find out that accepting them is easier than ever. Once you accept how you feel, you can consciously start changing your life for the better.
2. Accept Your New Reality
Now that “the love of your life” is no longer present, you might feel that your reality is no longer satisfying. You cannot feel positive anymore, you don’t enjoy the things that you used to enjoy, and everything seems different.
When you hold very tight to your past, it’s quite obvious that what’s happening now, in the present moment, is not going to make you happy.
In order to enjoy your days again, you need to accept that you’re going to experience a different reality. You’ll experience new feelings, you’ll meet new people, you’ll do different things, and you’ll eventually learn to be happy again.
3. Cut Off All Contact With Your Ex
After you experience heartbreak, keeping in touch with your ex-lover means sabotaging yourself big time. Listen to me. Seeing, talking, or even stalking your significant one is not going to make things better.
In fact, you’re going to be stuck in the denial or bargaining process. As explained before, these are never good places to be in, so bear with me.
In order to create space for clear thinking, you need to let go of any contact with your ex. By no contact, I mean no social media, no phone, no watching of movies or pictures with you two, and no nothing.
This is really good for you, and if you take my advice, you’ll notice it shortly.
4. Learn to Love Yourself Instead
Before your heartbreak, all the love and appreciation you were offering was for someone else. That is no longer possible now, so you must switch the focus towards yourself.
You see, whenever we fall in love with someone, we focus on their feelings instead of ours. We learn to love them, and we forget about loving ourselves.
It’s time for you to learn how to love yourself again. Perceive yourself as a different entity that needs a lot of nurturing and care. Give yourself the best of everything.
That means that you can use various strategies such as periodic rewards. Moreover, you need to step out of your normal perception boundaries and understand one important thing:
If you place all of your love and happiness in the hands of someone else, you’ll eventually end up broken hearted. Instead, love yourself first.
By doing so, no one will ever have control over your feelings again. If you break up with someone, it will hurt, yes. But, you’re not losing everything – you still have yourself.
5. Give It Time
Time and patience. These are two very important aspects that you need to grasp while going through heartbreak.
They say that time heals everything. Have you heard of this saying? I did countless times during my breakups. Yet, people say it because it’s something that’s not arguable. Time really heals everything.
By healing, I’m not referring to forgetting. I’m talking about reaching a state of mind in which you no longer feel that terrible pain and sorrow. And yet, very few people are patient when it comes to breakups and heartbreaks.
Victor Nelson is a professional writer at Aussie writings. A few years ago, when I was going through the most terrible breakup, he was the first to make me understand the importance of time and patience. I still remember his words:
“As time goes on, life still “happens”. You still have to go out, you still have to study, work, or do whatever you were doing before. The difference lies in the fact that you now have to do it on your own.
The more you live your life “alone” (without your ex) the more you’ll adapt to your new circumstances. In a while, you’ll soon feel less and less pain, and that’s all because of the passing of time. Allow time to heal you – you’re in good hands.”
Recovering from a heartbreak is a not simple thing to do. Yet, it is far away from impossible. Even though you’ve heard it countless times before, that’s how life is. It comes with good and with bad, and we’re the only ones in power to adapt.
If we strengthen our perception and mindset, we can accomplish anything we want, and that includes moving away from a painful state of being that suddenly popped into our lives. Stay positive, and remember that…everything is going to be alright.
About the author: Olivia is a journalist, content-writer and a bookworm. She loves to teach, read and write. Her second biggest love after books is her cat called Patty, who usually kindly assists her while writing. Follow Olivia on Facebook and Twitter.