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Married And Dating: The New Flavour Of Modern Indian Marriages

Indian society is giving women the liberty to be sexually active. Porn has openly hit the dusty lanes and by-lanes of India. After hearing of multipartners and wife swapping, the new flavor of the season is of Indian wives dating other men.

The syndrome which has become really hip and popular today is ‘my wife’s boyfriend.’ Lachmi Deb Roy probes this new flavour of modern day marriages.

Women today have come out of the four walls of the house and have started experimenting with their sex lives. For many years, the issue of extramarital affairs was thought to be a “woman’s issue” – that is, women dealing with their husbands’ affairs.

Today, while large numbers of husbands are still having affairs, there has been a significant increase in the number of Indian wives having affairs.

A recent survey done on contemporary marriages by the Tata Institute of Social Science (TISS), Mumbai, has brought to light the fact that there is a rise in extramarital affairs, and couples know and accept their partner’s paramours.

But the most surprising finding is that more and more married women are looking for love or rather fun outside marriage. With the work place and the Internet, overscheduled lives and inattentive husbands – it’s no wonder more Indian women are looking for comfort in the arms of another man.

Women interact with men more at work. They go for more meetings, take more business trips and presumably participate more in flirtatious water-cooler chatter.

There is a subtle point embedded in here as well: women and men bring their best selves to work, leaving their bad behavior and marital resentment at home along with their sweat pants.

These light or intensive flirtations whatever the women opts for give them a self-esteem boost during work hours and don’t rock the boat at home.

Gone are the days when cuckolding was a social taboo. Today globalization has spawned an almost experimental outlook towards sex.

In an age where porn has hit the streets openly, women today do not hesitate to break the ‘humdrum’ of their lives by experimenting with their sex lives and this experimentation is no longer a man’s prerogative. Today wives are acting on the urge more than ever.

With husbands pursuing demanding careers and having no time for the home, or for that matter sex, it has led to wives looking for adventure outside marriage.

Husbands are also aware of it, because they know that they cannot give them the time. The neglect of their personal life by husbands has led to women becoming desperate for attention and they don’t mind flaunting their boyfriends.

Often we want to hold on to relationships because we do not want to get out of our comfort zone. Even if the marriage is not healthy, we tend to hold on to it for various reasons.

Whether through an open relationship or just a fantasy, looking elsewhere is not the root cause of trouble in relationships. Instead it’s the fact that we crave adventure in our humdrum lives and most marriages fail to provide that.

Many women say that an affair outside marriage has changed their lives for better because they feel desirable in the arms of somebody else.

In addition, when women break out from a truly committed relationship and run free, the question is not what they are running towards, but rather what is it they are running from.

In this situation looking for love elsewhere tends to be a life pattern triggered by fears (of commitment, of being loved, of waking up with the same person every morning).

Over the years, though the institution of marriage is still alive, there is a sea of change in the relationship between husband and wife. People these days look more for financial security than emotional.

“The love and care is definitely there, but passion definitely dies away with years. From having sex once a week, they have sex one a month or may not even for months together. It is high time we accept the fact that everybody needs variety in their sex life,” says Devyani Rao, a stylist with a leading lifestyle magazine.

In Indian society, people generally have marriages of convenience. According to Mumbai based psychologist, Dr. Varkha Chulani, “This condition of wives having affairs generally arises in 80 percent of marriages today because there is very little communication with each other. For most women, an inattentive husband is the biggest problem, and husbands too have accepted this situation because they refuse to go through the tedious process of divorce.”

While the woman is on the lookout for love outside marriage, she is definitely in no mood to leave her husband. She just wants to have her share of fun.

For women who have been married for many years and for whom the whole life is about taking care of their kids and their house life definitely becomes very monotonous for them. It becomes natural for them to look for love outside marriage, just to spice up their life.

There are several reasons that men accept this arrangement. Firstly, they don’t want to go through the legal hassle of divorce.

Second, after spending so many years of togetherness they get used to each other and just knowingly shut their eyes. Third, it gives the man a green signal to have fun with other women.

What do you think about this controversy? Do you agree or disagree with the findings? Let us know your views.





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19 thoughts on “Married And Dating: The New Flavour Of Modern Indian Marriages

  1. I wont say this is controversy but better understanding between husband & wives. Though i 50% agree that women look for love outside marriage but agree that they look for someone "wanting" them even when it's only physical.

    I can say this coz me & my wife share open marriage relationship & now we have better bonding than before

  2. Actually the study does not surprise me as we live in a country where arranged marriage is the norm and it is often easier to look the other way than break up a marriage (and let both families down). But there are people like me, who believe in love marriage, and cannot accept such "arrangements." Neither my husband nor I are for this, although we will not judge people who practice it.

  3. I think because of the fear that people will judge them, many people are not vocal about it. I feel it's the same as for Gays / Lesbians few years ago where they can't voice openly coz of the fear people judging them.

    However, for us it was more about Honesty & better bonding as then we can "share" our deepest secrets as well.

    oh btw, we are married from the last 7 years & we also had love marriage 🙂

  4. yes… it depends… as to their core values and perception of life.  In my case i fell for a person.  But I could not get my self to have an affair. My logic was,

    if what i felt was sex I could get it from anywhere.. and if that feeling was love then the love doesn't have a meeting as I am already married. 

    so ultimately I decided to stay back and discontinue the contacts. 

    1. Shivani, u did a right thing, love cannot be found everywhere, but sex yes , it can be found . Only thing i would say, discover lost love . It may vanish between 2 partners but ,when u start cherishing it, It regains . Sex & love comes together. Sex is like a fire , which should keep on burning, love is like a water it should keep on flowing .

  5. Shivani – perceptions are mostly illusions created by "Others". I remember many a times we quote that success is going an extra mile when you think – you can't. Had you gone 1 step ahead then you would have known what exactly it was. 

    When you say – you discontinue the contact …. i see it as a fear that you wont be able to hold yourself for long.

    Hope you get another chance and see what it is.

  6. @Priya – Can you do small exercise .. just tell your husband that you are okay if he will have a fling. Lets see his happy face 🙂

  7. Satinder, how one sees this subject obviously depends on how much one has already managed to warp one's own sense of right and wrong. It's unfortunately true that by the time some folks reach middle age, they have successfully strangled a lot of the basic human values that give life dignity and importance. Any man or woman who can do such a thing and not be haunted by a sense of failure as human beings have corrupted their souls – and corrupted souls are tormented souls, no matter how much they deceive themselves to the contrary. As Priya's husband, I strongly disagree with your contention. If she, even in jest, gave me the freedom to have a fling, I would be shattered – because she would only be okay with sharing me with another woman if I was of no consequence to her. 

  8. Arun – That was not meant to offend but as a gen. human behavior and is known fact that Men if given the opportunity will go ahead. 

    But am glad to see an exception to that. Best of luck to both of you 🙂 

  9. I am doing some research on relationships and i realise that many husbands themselves in metros are fantasizing and like their wives in relationships . I think the stress and pressures of life make them realise that they cannot fulfil their marriages. Also, women sense this, specially in the rich class it is becoming more and more prevalent and given that women can enjoy freedom and have relationship even sometimes with the permission of the husband and sometimes even husbands have engaged in promoting and helping such things. The concept of cuckolding which was foreign is taking full force in nuclear families where there is no scrutiny from elders or neighbours. If you have any comments on this. Feel free to write to me on yahoo at myunusualmarriage

  10. Hehe,

    well, you cannot blame the women for it. Men have ruled women for too long, now it is their chance to be ruled.

    I do love younger boys and find them more romantic than my elder husband. I think women should marry men of their age and even younger, why have such rules in society ?

  11. Hi Asha,

    thanks for sending me those emails. I have interacted with few couples so far and was suprised to find that Indian husbands are open to the idea of cuckolding. The internet is responsible for these new trend i feel. Anyways, i have to tell you that i was only last week sitting over a coffee with a couple and they were quite open to share about their lifestyle where the wife likes to have boyfriends with the husbands permission and help. I am writing a book and am researching this subject by meeting real subjects. I have interacted with two polyandrous familes in india, i know this could be shocking to some of you. do contact me on yahoo messenger, my id is (myunusualmarriage)

  12. Cuckolding thoughts are prevalent in the Indian husbands minds and some married wives do love to get kinky within safe environment.But this should not be generalized and not applicable to all. Its more to do with how they handle Jealousy and open minded! Its only for people who are mature in thoughts and can separate out recreational fun from intimate moments spent on marital institution!

  13. Neither husband or wife should have sexual relations outside marriage, IT IS JUST WRONG! You people and this article make me sick!

  14. "Love is the nourishment for the soul. Just as food is to the body, so love is to the soul. Without food the body is weak, without love the soul is weak. And no state, no church, no vested interest, has ever wanted people to have strong souls, because a person with spiritual energy is bound to be rebellious. 
    "Love makes you rebellious, revolutionary. Love gives you wings to soar high. Love gives you insight into things, so that nobody can deceive you, exploit you, oppress you. And the priests and the politicians survive only on your blood – they survive only on exploitation. All the priests and all the politicians are parasites. 
    "To make you spiritually weak they have found a sure method, one hundred percent guaranteed, and that is to teach you not to love yourself. If a man cannot love himself he cannot love anybody else either. The teaching is very tricky. They say "Love others," because they know if you cannot love yourself you cannot love at all. But they go on saying, "Love others, love humanity, love God, love nature, love your wife, your husband, your children, your parents, but don't love yourself" – because to love oneself is selfish according to them. 

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