Are you sending mixed signals to the men you date? In this column, our dating expert exposes a behavior pattern that many women fall into but few ever realize they’re doing it.
How many times has this happened to you:
You go on a first date with a guy. He’s not exactly Brad Pitt, but he’s not bad looking. And nice. (Maybe too nice? You wonder.) He takes you to a great restaurant for dinner, and you’ve barely put a dent in the appetizer before you sense it…
He’s gazing in your eyes. Smiling ear to ear. Laughing as if you’re the funniest person he’s ever met.
Yup, you can tell.
He’s into you.
Overall, you have an enjoyable evening, but you’re just not convinced that you feel a spark. Even so, you decide that it’s worth agreeing to a second date to see if there’s anything there.
At the end of the date, he kisses you goodnight and says he’ll call. And after the way he acted, you’re sure that he will.
But then… the phone doesn’t ring!
That’s right – Mr. Nice Guy does a total 180 and never calls you again.
How dare he act like he’s all smitten with you and then disappear into thin air? After all, he was the one who was so clearly interested! You weren’t even sure you liked the guy in the first place, and now here you are, waiting by the phone for his call?!?
Talk about a role reversal!
Oh well… Chalk it up to another case of a man sending mixed signals, right?
Actually – I hate to say it – in this situation, y-o-u could be just as guilty of sending confusing signals.
If you’re saying “Who, me?!?” then read on for the “Drama of the Week” and My “Dating Dish Tip,” where I expose a behavior pattern that many women fall into but few ever realize they’re doing it…
…And what to do about it to ensure that you do get that post-date phone call from Mr. Nice Guy next time!
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Drama of the Week: “Why Isn’t He Calling Me?”
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Here’s a recent email from a reader…
“Hi Paige,
Your book seems like the book I need right now…
I was in a relationship for 6 six years, which ended early 2004 but I was still friends with him (with benefits). Finally I ended it March 2005 because I can’t separate my feelings and need to move on with my life…
I’ve finally started dating and I’m all confused. I feel like I’m new on the dating scene!
I’m picky, I think. There are guys who like me but I’m not physically attracted to them even though I know that they are nice guys.
I signed up on one of the online dating sites, got a lot of hits… I have already met up with two guys and this is what I don’t understand:
The first one is not my type but a really nice guy. We had a good conversation, he gave me a present on our first date and called me after two days but we didn’t really talk because I was out shopping when he called and after that he hasn’t called anymore…
The second one I had a really good time with and was very nice but again I’m not that attracted to him… He was really into me during our date (we kissed) but on our drive home he was suddenly quiet/cold, we said bye to each other… and that’s about it, I haven’t heard from him in two days!!!
So I don’t understand, they both said I’m cute and pretty but why didn’t they call me after the date? I’m not sure what I am doing wrong.
Need your opinion, Missi”
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Dating Dish Tip: Are You Sending The Right Signals?
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My Response:
“Hi Missi,
First of all, I have to commend you on having the strength to break off a “friends with benefits” situation with a guy you really care about.
You were smart to realize that it was impossible for you to carry on a physical relationship without your feelings getting hurt (I actually devote a whole section to why women aren’t ‘wired’ for no-strings- attached relationships starting on pg. 75 of my book ‘Dating Without Drama’).
You deserve everything from a relationship (emotional, mental, spiritual, as well as physical), and you took a brave step to break away to find it! Good job.
And now you’re back on the dating scene after the better part of a decade… No wonder you’re feeling a bit frustrated and confused!
You mention in your email that you’re “picky” and that you’re not attracted to some guys even though they’re “nice.” Trust me, this isn’t a bad thing.
In fact, being selective when dating can actually work to your advantage. It sends a strong message to men that you know what you want, you value yourself and aren’t going to just settle for anyone who shows interest.
This confidence drives men crazy (in a good way) and makes you desirable – you’re someone they must compete for (and men l-o-v-e competition!).
Too often, I see women try to talk themselves into liking a man even if they’re not “feeling it.” Maybe it’s because they know that the dating scene can be rough and they don’t want to turn down a decent prospect because, hey, who knows if another one will come along.
I think that is just ridiculous!
I mean, have you ever known a man to try and force himself to date a woman he’s not attracted to?
No way!
The #1 reason why guys don’t ask for a second date is because they don’t feel “chemistry” or a “spark.” So why should we women go on date after date with someone who doesn’t give us butterflies?!
The truth is: Nice Guy – Attraction = Dead End Relationship.
If you date someone based solely on the fact that he’s a good person and you don’t want to hurt his feelings, you will eventually end up feeling unfulfilled and come to the conclusion that you need more excitement.
All of his nice ways will start to annoy the heck out of you and you’ll end up dumping him (which will do exactly what you were trying to avoid in the first place: hurt his feelings).
However, it can be very hard to tell whether there’s no spark to begin with, or if the spark is there but just doesn’t have a chance to catch fire because it’s being smothered by first-date nerves and awkwardness (on his part and/or on yours, which is only natural).
So if you’re sure right off the bat that a guy isn’t for you, remember that you have the right to hold out for a man who not only is nice but also makes your heart do somersaults in your chest when he walks in the room!
But when in doubt, give the guy a second chance. When you say “yes” to a second date, he’ll get an automatic boost of confidence that will allow him to be more at ease with himself. Who knows, maybe your dynamic on Date 2 will be totally different and the sparks will fly!
Of course this advice is useless if he doesn’t call you to ask you on that second date, so let’s jump in and analyze these dates to see what could have gone wrong:
Guy #1 – Let’s call him “Gift Guy.”
You say he’s not really your type. I’d be willing to bet that he picked up on your signals (which you sent whether you meant to or not) that you weren’t that into him and is trying to spare himself from rejection.
After all, when he got the guts up to call you the first time you were out shopping, so you probably sounded distracted and rushed to get off the phone with him.
He may have read too much into that encounter, concluded that he didn’t stand a chance with you, and decided to cut his losses right then, which is why he hasn’t called you a second time.
Guy #2- “Mr. Nice Guy.”
This seems to be a similar situation to Guy #1. If you’re “not that attracted to him,” he may have sensed that when you kissed, which could be why he got “suddenly quiet/cold” and hasn’t called.
It has only been two days, though, so there is still a very good chance that he’ll call (refer to “The Calling Game: Decoded” in my “Dater’s Self-Discovery Guide” bonus book).
Now you asked me what you are doing wrong, but first I have to say that you’re doing a lot of things right (being selective, placing importance on your own feelings of attraction, not calling).
That being said, if you find yourself hoping that these men call you, you might have enough interest in them that it’s worth giving them a second shot to see if that connection really could be there. In that case, you’ll need to be more conscious of the “I’m not really sure I’m into you” messages you’re sending.
Before my reply to you officially turns into a book of its own, I recommend you read my ebook “Dating Without Drama ” and pay special attention to the section called “Give Him Some Encouragement,” which discusses subtle ways you can give a man cues that you’re interested so he’s sure has the green light to pursue you.
As for how to keep yourself from waiting by the phone (and we’ve all been there), check out Chapter 6: “Post-Date Drama – Waiting for the Phone to Ring .”
Best of luck to you!”
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Copyright 2007 Dating Without Drama Inc. All rights reserved. “Dating Without Drama” and “DWD” are trademarks used by Dating Without Drama Inc. The contents of this article are for entertainment purposes only. You are responsible for your personal decisions and none of the information provided should be considered legal or professional advice.
Stories and questions in “Dating Dish” are not fabricated by Dating Without Drama, Inc. They are submitted by real people just like you. Names may be changed or deleted to protect the contributors. Comments, questions, and quotes may be edited for length and/or clarity. By sending a question or comment, you are agreeing to allow DWD Inc. to use it in future articles, newsletters, writings, and other works at our sole discretion in perpetuity and further represent that your submissions are factual. Please keep this in mind when you send in your e-mails.
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